Happy Vasant Panchami. Today is one of my favourite festivals – the first day of spring, when the deities are dressed in vibrant yellow and adorned with yellow flowers.
Today started out beautifully – I managed to make it for the morning program and listened to a nice class. But – it’s ended on a bit of a low note. Anyway, I’ve realised in life, that there’s not much productivity in counting your problems. I think writing them down is good, but…ultimately…does that make them bigger and more important than they are? I don’t know, I’m just exhausted; overwhelmed with the sad events that have happened lately, and feeling frustrated with the pettiness of the things that have to be dealt with this week. I know they’re ultimately pretty unimportant, but I can’t neglect them nevertheless. Is this what it means to become an adult?
Today is also the appearance day of Srimati Visnupriya devi, the wife of Lord Caitanya. She was an incarnation of Bhudevi, and led an exemplary life in her role in the Lord’s pastimes. After he took sannyas, she performed extraordinary austerities, vowing to only eat one grain of rice for every round of the maha mantra that she chanted. Today I pray to Srimati Visnupriya devi. I seek her blessings as an aspiring Vaisnavi – my future feels so bleak sometimes. I can’t concentrate on chanting; can’t take things seriously; can’t lose my ego or foolish vanity. I feel extraordinarily self absorbed; uncompassionate; insincere. I could go on, but I probably wouldn’t even mean it. Recently someone was reading me something Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur wrote, in which he berated himself in a similar, but much more severe way. I was shocked to realise he actually believed it. When will I see this in myself and truly believe it; truly, so that I can do nothing else in life but strive to overcome these internal weeds?
All I can do is pray.
rahul