The Result of an Accidental Daytime Nap

I took a nap today. Well, I didn’t so much take it as fall into it. The Ayurvedic medicine I’m taking is making me feel quite strange at times. The other day, some special ‘Ayurvedic chocolate’ (as my doctor put it) was added to my regime – basically four black cubes of something that clears the roads downtown if you catch my drift. Yep, too much information.

Sometimes I feel like I’m not allowed to write here unless I have a topic, or a theme, or some exciting, dramatic news to broadcast. Then I remember that this is my blog and I can write what I want – however self involved that sounds (it pretty much is). It’s funny actually, though I try and make this blog very readable and interesting, most of the time I’m quite unaware of who actually reads it, aside from the occasional comment I get out of the blue. The other day someone told me they read this blog regularly and I was genuinely surprised (you know who you are).

Anyway, my purpose in writing right now is that I want to. It’s 10:20pm and I should be going to sleep. I’m getting up early tomorrow to pick tulasi manjaris at the temple. I did it for that first time last week and I really felt so privileged to be able to offer some service to Vrinda devi. Perhaps it’s psychological but even after doing it only once, I’ve felt my japa improve and my affection and understanding for the role that Vrinda devi has to play in the devotional progress of every devotee increase. I seem to have the conversation regularly with people about how it is growing up as a gurukuli, being comfortable and reasonably aware of all the of the main philosophical concepts, stories from the Bhagavata Purana (thankyou Amar Chitra Katha) and incarnations of Krishna/demigods, but feeling like that knowledge is quite shallow, or riddled with holes. I feel there’s a real weakness in many in my generation, in that we have yet to really go much deeper into the philosophy and often don’t receive much encouragement to. Of course some have a greatly different experience, and I would guess that many younger than me may not even think that this is an issue yet. I don’t know, I just feel something has to change at some point.

I speak wholly for myself too, I hasten to add. I am by no means learned or detached, but I do feel that I am becoming more and more desparate to change that. Maybe desperate isn’t the right word. After all, if I really wanted it that much, surely I would jump out of bed in the morning, run downstairs and devour the stacks of Srila Prabhupada’s books stacked two rows deep. But I feel intimidated. I feel acutely aware of my lack of understanding; my naivete, and just how easy it would be for me to get the wrong idea. I feel like my enthusiasm is so fragile, like a freshly blown bubble, ready to be popped at any second by an eager hand or a wayward gust of wind. Still, what to do. I can only pray that in this lifetime I am going to elevate myself beyond whatever small progress I have made in the past. I am still barely even at the beginning.

Uh oh. Almost 11. I suppose I should stop writing now.

Hm. Interesting, this post ended up with a theme after all…

4 Comments

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4 responses to “The Result of an Accidental Daytime Nap

  1. Vrindavanand das

    Hare Krsna,

    Well I guess you have at least one more avid reader, starting today.

    I read your blog of the day (6/1) and wanted to tell you one, that it was inspirational, and two, you are not alone.

    I have been chanting for many years on and off. And to this day feel insignificant when it comes to the progress all other devotees have made.

    I came in contact with the movement in the early 70’s, (yes, this body is old) and for some reason or the other, mostly lame reasons, I still have lifetimes to go before I can surrender sincerely and fully.

    This morning I was listening to class from Alachua, Fl. A very sincere and personal servant to Srila Prabhupada, HH Hari Sauri das was speaking regarding the importance of association with Krsna’s devotees.

    My mind is always berating me about how I should be more active in my Krsna consciousness, and almost always serve out of guilt and not out of bhakti.

    As much as I try I seem to become overwhelmed with feelings of insufficient surrender. And thus falling into despair.

    But as I listen to Maharaja this morning, and chatted with my Godbrothers and sister on line. I realized that even if I don’t make it to the temple, and am not wearing saffron, and am not chanting in full subversion, and feel like I have so much further to go before I could serve as sincerely as Srila Prabhupada, I still have the determination to serve. And that is what bhakti is…having the determination.

    So when I read your blog, in addition to hearing this class this morning, it suddenly dawned on me, this is what Krsna wants, at least the smallest effort to be made to serve Him and guru.

    It was a comfort to read that I’m not alone in my struggle to serve sincerely. Especially coming from one like you who has had the mercy to have been born into the movement, and have grown up gurukuli. It was inspirational to experience encouragement from your story.

    If you haven’t already, you could meet with us for Srimad Bhagavatam class on line, this would be a very nice thing. Please you have the time, meet us at
    8a EST, at: http://www.krishna.com/alachua

    It’s a nice group of devotees, that watch on line almost every day. A devotee from Ireland, Jayanta, was in class this morning. He will be back we hope.

    Thank you for your blog and your entry.

    Hare Krsna,

    All glories to Sri Sri Gaura Premenanda!
    All glories to Srila Prabhupada!

    YS,
    Vrindavanand das

  2. Madhvi

    As a matter of fact, everytime i read a new post from you, you literally make my day. Im a regular reader of yours and your blogs always enlightens me without a shadow of a doubt….keep it going because it keeps me going…..

  3. Hare Krishna,
    Enjoyed reading the article and comments.

    Even reading one single page a day from the books that Srila Prabhupada laboured so much for us makes a huge difference to one’s personal motivation. The first time, you just read. Second time, you will remember. Third time, you will use what you have read and remembered.

    I think we should not lose the momentum. Like the first writer mentioned, the smallest of effort is also counted.

    Eventually, it all adds up and you will find that you have understood the philosophy much better than what you started off with.

    I also think that having a time table helps where you can set aside time for blogging, reading, chanting, work, kirtans etc. Sticking it to it needs motivation too.

  4. Amar chitra katha…
    just a week ago we were talking about the army formations in the kurukshetra war and one of my (well-read) friends looked at me incredulously; “How do YOU know that?”

    My smug answer?

    “Amar Chitra Katha”

    ys, vishaka

    ps. coming for the maha-abhishek of the Panca-Tattva….Anybody who is anybody will be there….because the next time is, say, 2014……and we’ll probably be mommies by then or something.

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