I took a nap today. Well, I didn’t so much take it as fall into it. The Ayurvedic medicine I’m taking is making me feel quite strange at times. The other day, some special ‘Ayurvedic chocolate’ (as my doctor put it) was added to my regime – basically four black cubes of something that clears the roads downtown if you catch my drift. Yep, too much information.
Sometimes I feel like I’m not allowed to write here unless I have a topic, or a theme, or some exciting, dramatic news to broadcast. Then I remember that this is my blog and I can write what I want – however self involved that sounds (it pretty much is). It’s funny actually, though I try and make this blog very readable and interesting, most of the time I’m quite unaware of who actually reads it, aside from the occasional comment I get out of the blue. The other day someone told me they read this blog regularly and I was genuinely surprised (you know who you are).
Anyway, my purpose in writing right now is that I want to. It’s 10:20pm and I should be going to sleep. I’m getting up early tomorrow to pick tulasi manjaris at the temple. I did it for that first time last week and I really felt so privileged to be able to offer some service to Vrinda devi. Perhaps it’s psychological but even after doing it only once, I’ve felt my japa improve and my affection and understanding for the role that Vrinda devi has to play in the devotional progress of every devotee increase. I seem to have the conversation regularly with people about how it is growing up as a gurukuli, being comfortable and reasonably aware of all the of the main philosophical concepts, stories from the Bhagavata Purana (thankyou Amar Chitra Katha) and incarnations of Krishna/demigods, but feeling like that knowledge is quite shallow, or riddled with holes. I feel there’s a real weakness in many in my generation, in that we have yet to really go much deeper into the philosophy and often don’t receive much encouragement to. Of course some have a greatly different experience, and I would guess that many younger than me may not even think that this is an issue yet. I don’t know, I just feel something has to change at some point.
I speak wholly for myself too, I hasten to add. I am by no means learned or detached, but I do feel that I am becoming more and more desparate to change that. Maybe desperate isn’t the right word. After all, if I really wanted it that much, surely I would jump out of bed in the morning, run downstairs and devour the stacks of Srila Prabhupada’s books stacked two rows deep. But I feel intimidated. I feel acutely aware of my lack of understanding; my naivete, and just how easy it would be for me to get the wrong idea. I feel like my enthusiasm is so fragile, like a freshly blown bubble, ready to be popped at any second by an eager hand or a wayward gust of wind. Still, what to do. I can only pray that in this lifetime I am going to elevate myself beyond whatever small progress I have made in the past. I am still barely even at the beginning.
Uh oh. Almost 11. I suppose I should stop writing now.
Hm. Interesting, this post ended up with a theme after all…